Reading time: 8 minutes
Prologue: the big cosmic bug
Ladies and gentlemen, Sunday influencers, insomniac Tiktokeurs, overcrowded executives and retired WhatsApp-addicts, let me tell you something. the only day in history where the Internet took a global RTT.
It was a morning like the rest: the sun was rising, the birds were singing, and the cats... posted their videos on YouTube.
But suddenly, at 7:00 a.m. nothing loaded anymore. Neither TikTok nor Google nor Netflix. Even the small loading wheel turned one last time and fell into the apples. No connection. Game over.
A digital silence struck the planet. Anxieties were heard rising up buildings:
« Chériiiiii, Wi-Fi is not working!!! »
The universal signal of the end of the modern world.
Influencers in burn-out express
The first affected were the influencers.
Deprived of their morning stories « smoothie-avocado-chia with natural light », they circled like hamsters on treadmills.
- A celebrity Tiktokeuse of 12 million subscribers stared at her phone screaming: « Why doesn't anyone watch my dance video?! » Her cat, filmed in loop for three years, slept for the first time... in peace.
- A beauty Instagramer asked her girlfriend: « Tell me I'm beautiful... but say it with a like, please.! » She replied: « Well... beautiful. » And she melted in tears: « It's not the same. ! »
- A Youtuber gaming, deprived of live Twitch, found himself alone facing his console. He threw his game and realized that he had never... played without public.
In the next hour, the influencers began a Second French Revolution : not to demand bread, but from the Free and eternal Wi-Fi.
Citizens in existential crisis
The average citizen was hit hard.
Without GPS, the motorists circled around the roundabouts, prisoners of modern geometry.
– « Left or right?! »
– « Google always says right! »
– « BUT GOOGLE IS DEATH, JEROME!!! »
In the houses, the teens looked up from their screens and discovered that their parents lived with them. Immediate trauma!
The retirees, who were deprived of WhatsApp, brought out their fixed phones.
One grandmother, moved, said: « I haven't heard the sound of the dial in 20 years... I'd missed more than my grandchildren. »
In Paris, queues exploded in front of the bakeries: more Uber Eats delivery.
Some Parisians found out they had a bakery around the corner. One of them exclaimed: « It's amazing, there's a real human who sells hot bread! »
Business in Middle Ages
In the offices, it was panic.
- No more emails.
- No more Slack.
- No more Teams.
- The managers, lost, had to organize meetings... in real life. Around a table. With post-it and pens.
- The juniors were crying in silence: « But... how do I put a gif without Teams? »
A panicked marketing director proposed to launch a campaign... by passenger pigeon. We saw him running on the roof with bread in his hand.
In banks, chaos: more distributors, more transfers. The medieval barter came back. We see a customer paying for his gas with a ham and three rolls of toilet paper.
A CEO of start-up SaaS shouted in an open-space: « But how to sell cloud if the cloud is broken?! » A lucid intern replied: « We could get out some CD-ROMs, boss. » Silence embarrassed. We heard a fly sneezing.
States in the panade
States lost all dignity.
Ministers no longer had Twitter to send spades. They had to give interviews on the radio.
Journalists, destabilized, released microphones with cables, as in the 1960s.
The intelligence services pulled out the audio tapes, and army generals used paper maps. Some soldiers remained blocked for three hours because they could no longer fold a Michelin card.
At the UN, diplomats had to meet physically. They found out with horror that some colleagues... were not avatars in HD, but real humans.
President without tweets
The most dramatic political drama of the digital era struck the President « Master of the World », famous for its orange hair — oscillating shade between lacquered pumpkin and spent stabilo — and his compulsive love for uppercase tweets.
That morning, at 9 a.m., while he barely came out of the claws of his personal hairdresser (a former taxidermist reconverted into geopolitics fold) and his appointed makeup artist (specialist of colours) « industrial bronze ») he learned that he was disconnected and the Internet was dead.
Anger and shock were immediate.
— « HOW am I going to insult my opponents?! How to start a commercial war without being able to tweet it?! » He screamed, the wicks still smoking from the lacquer.
His stoic advisers handed him a Montblanc pen.
— « Mr President, perhaps a written statement? »
— « Write? With my hands? But I haven't done this since primary school, except to sign decrees that cancel other decrees! »
In a last leadership burst, he tried to shout his tweets from the balcony, hoping that a press drone or a passenger pigeon would capture his messages:
— « FAKE NEWS! »
— « AMERICA FIRST! »
— « BING ME MY WI-FI !!! »
Then, he plunged into a deep depression, accusing his predecessors, the sleepless somnanbul and the tanned not even born in the Yankee country, of having compoloted to prevent him from Tweeting his fantasical decisions that will return his country « Great Again » Hey!
This was officially the first clinical case of acute digital presidential withdrawal, with likely relapse from the next network failure.
The Great Failure of Modern Loves
Without dating apps, celibacy experienced a global crisis.
- Tinder, Bumble, Meetic, everything goes away.
- Singles went out on the street and... talked to strangers.
- You see a young man approaching a woman with a shy smile: « Hello, my name is Kevin... delighted. » She replied: « Wait, don't you want me to swipe left or right? »
Psychoanalysts speak of a historical moment: the return of analog seduction.
Food chaos
The culinary Tiktokeurs, without tutos, cooked pasta with water. With the diet apps dead, everyone was allowed butter. Real butter. Perfect diet crime.
In some neighbourhoods, crowds run to markets. « Fresh vegetables?! » yelled at a student. She took a carrot in her hands as if it were a relic of the Middle Ages.
Health under infusion
In hospitals: back to paper. The doctors, unbelieving, came out of yellow files. One nurse said: « We had to take the tension with a real tensiometer, not an app. At first, we couldn't remember how to inflate the armband.. »
The teleconsultations being KO, the patients came in person. A man discovered that his doctor lived 10 minutes on foot. He wept with shame.
Young people in forced rehab
Deprived of TikTok, Discord and Spotify, young people suffered a violent digital withdrawal.
- In high schools, they came out... the marelle and the ball prisoner.
- Some shouted: « But it's too physical! Where are my emojis?! »
- The euphoric teachers brought out their chalks and wrote on the board like rockstars.
At the library, a teenager asked: « Excuse me... do you have any books? » The documentaryist sevanoitised emotion.
Media without a net
Without Twitter, journalists were forced to go to the field. Some found that a real witness is more reliable than an anonymous thread.
A TV presenter announced: « Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we don't have fake news... only real news. Sorry about the lack of fun. »
Human return
And then, miracle: without the Internet, humans spoke again.
Neighbors found themselves around a café.
Families laugh around the table.
Couples rediscovered themselves... or separated (for sometimes it is better).
The coffee terraces overflowed with people. We exchanged jokes... without Wi-Fi. Some dared to say: « Finally, it's not that bad! »
The outcome
At midnight, the Internet came back. Servers flashed, notifications rolled, like rained.
Everyone threw themselves on his screens like shipwrecked on a buoy.
But some hesitated. They put their phones and said:
« We can wait a little longer. »
Fable Moral
My friends, this day was just a fiction.
But behind humor, a truth: we became dependent on the Internet like a fish of its jar. One day, this jar could crack. And without plan B, we're naked, vulnerable, ridiculous.
So let's remember:
- Let's keep cash in the wallet.
- A book in the bag.
- And above all... a real smile in the pocket.
Because a paper type doesn't work.
