Reading time: 7 minutes
She always blows the same melody, without a false note... but on a score signed The King of the World.
Clarinet Levite is born in an ultraconservative hospital in the Midwest, where babies are already crying patriotism.
From her first cry, she denied being born.
At the age of three, she had a debate with her shadow and won hands.
In her religious school, she stands out not for her voice, but for her ability to transform every false note into a claimed masterpiece.
When she sings false, she accuses 5G waves.
When it falls, the ground attacks it.
Alternative truth becomes his emotional truth.
One day, she responded to a job offer:
« Searching impassive face to transform logic into warm soup»
She obtained the position of spokesman for the King of the World without saying a word.
The King of the World will say later: « I hired her because she looks at me like I look at my steaks: with conviction, but without compassion. »
From his first press conference, Clarinet Levite Marry his desk mentally. She baptizes him « Truth » And don't leave him anymore.
A typical Clarinette Levite day
7:00 a.m. : Reading the script provided by the World King's Advisers' algorithmTM
8:00 : Application of anti-fact shielded foundation
9:00 : Conference in the Press Room. Blafard lights. Journalists in a state of chronic confusion. A silence is made... and then the noise begins.
Entrance to Clarinette Levite, Immaculate. Hair lacquered like a thermonuclear missile. Sizer of a white so pure that it returns the light of reality. Scarpins that slam like decree stops. A binder in one hand, a bible of alternative facts in the other. The gaze is fixed, already at war against any question.
The journalists are shivering. Some swallow a sip of coffee too hot.
Others check if their microphone is switched on to record the absurd in the raw state.
One of them, young and naive, tightens his notebook like a shield. He has not yet learned that the facts will not survive.
She's reaching the desk.
A slow gesture, almost liturgical, she places her documents on polished wood. We hear a cling, as if a truth had just crashed on the ground.
She inspires. Not too much. — It might look like a doubt. Then she bows slightly to the head. A fraction of a degree. A gesture that says: « I see you. But I can't hear you. »
She's talking. His voice comes out as a pre-recorded statement by an AI formed by Fox News:
« Ladies and gentlemen, creatures of doubt and acolytes of punctuation: welcome to this allowed time capsule of inconsistency. I am Clarinet Levite, certified without conservatives, emissary of the King of the World and guardian of the isocele triangle of ascending communication. Before you begin, please turn off your brains, attach your moral belts, and put all the logic into the bin for this purpose. The questions will not have answers, the answers will not make sense, and the desk is a collective illusion. Thank you for your early obedience. »
🎤 Chuck Newsmaxson (correspondent of ultrapatriotic media « True Patriotes Authentic Bulletin »)
Mrs. Clarinette Levite, why did the King of the World announce that Canada was becoming the 51st state without informing... Canada?
🧍Clarinet Levite :
Because the King of the World believes in the effect of diplomatic surprise. Canada Loves surprises. Like snow. And annexations. It's a consented toxic relationship. Next!
🎤 April-Ann Fauxwell (journalist « FALSE News – The truth, but more fun »)
How do you justify the annexation of Greenland for « reasons for national security » ?
🧍Clarinet Levite :
Greenland is white, but not enough American. And too close to the Arctic, which is a known den of socialists. So we secured it. Bulldozer. Next!
🎤 Simone Delirance (Special Envoy of « The Diplomaticly Confused World »)
And the transformation of the Gaza Strip into « Luxury Riviera for billionaires » ?
🧍Clarinet Levite :
The King of the World wants to end the conflict by parasol. Less missiles, more mojitos. Tanks are now convertible. Literally. Next!
🎤 Barry Blabbergate (investigation timer for « The Washington Compost »)
Why did he describe Finland as « dangerous antifascist bastion because of their libraries » ?
🧍Clarinet Levite :
Books are like viruses: it spreads quickly and makes you think. The King of the World prefers tweets: it holds in 280 characters and it does not require any verification. Next!
🎤 Svetlana Trukov (Analyst of « RT–Reality Trafficking »)
Why remove university credits and finance the University of Cosmic Sciences?
🧍Clarinet Levite:
Because education is overrated. At the University of Cosmic Sciences, we learn useful things: negotiating with Mars, denying gravity, selling sand to NASA. Next!
🎤 John Factcheckston (editor at « The New York Imes » – journal without « T » by presidential decree)
Why does he take immigrants to prisons in El Salvador?
🧍Clarinet Levite :
It's prison tourism. It strengthens bilateral ties. And it shows that we can be tough, firm, but also totally disconnected from international law. Next!
🎤 Clarisse of BBCity (of the satirical programme « Britain Before Coffee »)
On Russia, why not admit that she attacked Ukraine?
🧍Clarinet Levite :
Russia? It's like an old friend stinging your keys but offering you a vodka. Ukraine? The King of the World believes it's a yogurt brand. So not concerned. Next!
🎤 Gaël LefondduMonde (corresponding to « The Tragic Daily »)
Why paint the Oval Office in gold?
🧍Clarinet Levite :
Because white is neutral. It's imperial. And the King of the World is humbly convinced to be a Republican emperor. It's a chromatic reform. Next !
🎤 Pablo Enelchapo (journalist « International Telereality »)
He wants to replace the UN with a WhatsApp group. Is that a serious idea?
🧍Clarinet Levite :
It depends on the number of people. The King of the World believes that world peace can hold in a chosen GIF and a sticker « muscle flex ». Next!
🎤 Angela Deniemark (editor « European Fictional Factor »)
Why does he say the sun « shines thanks to the American economy » ?
🧍Clarinet Levite :
It's a metaphor... solar. When the economy blazes, the world obeys. He even filed a patent on the light. The universe is copyrighted. Next!
🎤 Randy Truthsmith (of the chain « CNNdemic »)
And you, Mrs. Levite... do you really believe that?
🧍Clarinet Levite :
I don't think so. I'm transmitting. I am the modem of alternative truth, the internet box of official fiction. And as long as the signal is strong, I'm standing.
I thank you for your presence, patience, and ability to pretend to listen while screaming inwardly.
The facts will remain in quarantine indefinitely. Don't forget to disinfect your thoughts at the exit, and feed the diplomatic hamster at the reception.
On this I return to my hologram bunker, where the King of the World dictates his truths to me via golden smoke signals. Chaos greets you!
Thank you all.
🎬 And the conference ends.
A journalist strangles in her bottle of water. A cameraman laughs nervously. What about Clarinette Levite? She turns her heels. With the grace of a well-rounded alternative truth.
