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My dear counselors... come closer. Yeah, even closer. I want to feel your breath shaking. All right. Set up, tie your belts, lock your common sense; He won't do anything here. Today I give you my world view, a global, total, imperial vision, logical in its illogicalism, brilliant in its confusion, absolutely irrefutable since it comes from me.
Are you scared? That's normal. Geopolitics in my opinion is an extreme sport.
EUROPE, NATO AND UKRAINE: THE GREAT JOURNAL WHERE I CHANGE RULES ONLY
Let's start with Europe. This continent that exists only because it decided that it was more practical than disappearing. Europe, I look at it with the eye of a tired tamer: countries that want to be strong, but only when I observe them.
I'm going into a NATO meeting like a saloon. I slam the door, I cough to make the walls vibrate, and I tell them: « If you don't pay, I'm not defending you. The American shield is not self-serve. »
And Europeans panic, sweat, sign imaginary checks, and then thank me for "clarifying things."
As for the war in Ukraine... ah, this show. One day I want immediate victory, the next day I want absolute peace, the next day I don't want anything anymore. I said to my generals: « Step forward, step back, or stand still, but do it with conviction. »
They took notes. I think they cried too, but discreetly, in their helmets.
Russia? I call him my "friend-adversary." One day he is a genius, the next a "villain boy", then again a genius as soon as he sends a kind letter. I'm consistent. I change my mind every time someone looks at me.
IMMIGRATION, LAW, CONSTITUTION: ALL THAT DOES NOT PLEASE ME MUST BE RECEIVED
One morning, in front of my mirror, I announced: « I'm gonna evict everyone. All of them. Even the shadows that drag too long. »
My advisers applauded mechanically, like dolls articulated under amphetamines.
Then I decided that arrests would be allowed everywhere: churches, schools, hospitals, confessions, libraries, yoga rooms and even playgrounds.
If someone's breathing wrong, I want a file.
Then, annoyed by the Constitution, I said: « I mean, L-habeas corpus? Too Latin. Too complicated. We're done. »
An adviser wanted to object; He doesn't work here anymore.
THE CLIMATE NO MORE AND THE FUTURE WILL BE FORED OR NOT BE
The climate. The climate. I hate this subject. He's making me warm just to hear it. So I solved the problem: closed the national climate portal.
Pouf.
End of warming. See? Simple. The glaciers melt? FALSE: They "rest."
Hurricanes are intensifying? FALSE: These are "motivated wind".
The thermometer's climbing? FULLLY FALSE: He's an undercover agent.
And since I am a visionary, I launched the doctrine of the century: "DEAR MORE TO THINK LEAST." I want derricks in every garden, pipelines under schools, oil platforms in municipal pools.
I want America to become a geological grouse. If a floor exists, I want it to be drilled.
AFRICA: I'M INCLUDING SEVEN MINUTES ON MY GLOBAL LAMP IKEA
Let's go to Africa. Big, large, impossible to miss on a globe... and yet, I completely redesigned it in less than ten minutes.
I decided that 54 countries were a waste of time. So I merged everything: AfricaniaTM. Only one capital, "where I put my finger." One language: the one I speak. One policy: mine.
I reorganized the continent:
- a wall around the Sahara (to contain the rebel sand),
- moving the Congo forest to Arizona (more practical),
- purchase of Niger River as a presidential pool,
- privatisation of giraffes too arrogant.
When an African head of state said "equal partnership", I replied: « Perfect. I'll be equal, you'll be the partner. »
He made a Bible silence.
LATIN AMERICA: ONLY COUNTRY, ONLY SALSA, ONLY PROPERTiary: I
Latin America? I love it. But I never understood why there were so many countries. So I merged everything: LatinamericaTM.
I created a dancing diplomacy:
- Salsa for economic tensions,
- The tango for political crises,
- The reggaeton for revolutions.
As for the Amazon, the "lung of the world"... I proposed to transform it into giant solar barbecue. It was innovative.
The counsellors have gone down. It looked like 30 cheeses left in the sun.
THE MIDDLE EAST: IMPOSE PEACE BY ORDER
The Middle East... This region that has been watching me on television for decades without ever applause.
So I decided: "I will impose mandatory peace. "
Every morning, a peace decree will be issued. And if someone starts fighting again in the afternoon, I make a new decree. It's peacekeeping... as a monthly subscription version. I even proposed a reality TV show: "Peace IdolTM", where the enemies would sing their pain before a jury of which I am the three members.
THE GOLFE MONARCHIES: A BRIEFER THAN THE SOLEIL
Ah... my billionaire friends. Those princes who breathe capital. You shake their hands, you feel the dividend coming up in your arms.
Their sovereign funds?
Giant whales that swallow the continents.
Their skyscrapers?
They climb so high that even God has to fill out a form to see them closely.
I told them: « Buy me. I'm a strategic asset. » They smiled. Which means, "maybe," "never," or "we're too polite to laugh."
CHINA: THE DRAGON I MENACE, FLATTE AND IMITE AT THE SAME TIME
China... Ah, that power that makes everything, copies everything, and claims to understand me when I don't understand myself.
One day I say he's my opponent. The next day, my friend. The next day, a professional copier.
I am constant in my variation. I even proposed to buy the Great Wall to make it a amusement park. They refused. I still don't understand. But my strategy towards Beijing is simple: I threaten, I compliment, I threaten... And I'm sending a carnival smile.
They never know what foot to dance on; Neither do I, but it's worth it.
THE WORLD RECEIVES ONLY WHEN I THREE MONTHS
Here, my dear advisers: You just heard the only doctrine that counts - Mine. A world that is simplified, corrected, perforated, repainted, rebooted, merged... according to my moods and my whims.
I am a modern president: I decide first, I may think, And if I don't like thinking... I'm deleting it.
Come on. Applause. Again. Stronger. I want even the continents I just invented to hear me.
